I also talk to people who are in denial about their situation. They resolve to be a better spouse and hope things will improve just by way of their doing what the Narcissist wants. Some Deniers will even join their abusive partner in drinking and other destructive behaviors to either deal with the pain or be more accepted by the Narcissist. Upon closer inspection, these are all avoiding behaviors; ones that only prolong the inescapable fact that the relationship is doomed. Either the Narcissist will devalue and discard their partner, or their partner will eventually tire of the abuse and leave on their own.
Is your identity grounded on all the self-sacrifices you make for the sake of the relationship? And just as certain, once they decide you are of no more use to them, they will devalue and discard you without a second thought. This is the cornerstone of Narcissism— no empathy, no conscience. We know it with every cell, every synapsis, and every breath. Yet, we choose to do nothing. And we keep blaming the Narcissist for not changing. We may as well blame the sky when it carries clouds or the ocean when its waves are tumultuous.
But think about it…when we fail to establish boundaries and let the Narcissist continue on their destructive path,we are essentially enabling them. You will never find yourself in the Narcissist or the lifestyle they might provide. Or the lifestyle they show you through a kaleidoscope, when the truth might be that the brunt of the responsibilities lie on your shoulders.
You will, however, continue to lose yourself. Turn inward and heed your broken heart. How long has it been? Two years, ten, twenty? There will be personal development, conscious efforts to change, spiritual growth. All of these things bring their own challenges. Living in darkness with no hope or joy in your future. But much of that fear is a conditioned response that the Narcissist indoctrinated you into. Whether you believe in God, Divine Intelligence, the Universe, or a higher power, whatever you need will come to you if you want it. New people will be placed in your life to provide comfort and support.
The time will pass, anyway. You may as well use that time to plan a new life. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.
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Includes free seating in the life-changing masterclass, 7 Proven Steps to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. Now check your email to confirm your spot in the mini-course and get your Beginner's Healing Toolkit now! Adobe Reader is required as this is a PDF document. Check the bottom of your screen for an instant download or your downloads folder! Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. I been with a narcissist for 14 years now. I never knew what the real problem was. I was always confused, stressed and depressed.
So I would stay up late at night doing research on him. I want to make a run for it but I have two kids from him and he crippled me financially and physically in regards to my health. He is severely damaging to my kids and me. I am sad, shocked and relieved after reading this article. So it is no wonder i have had this lesson reapear, time and time again. I have been heart broken because i will have to sell things that have special meaning to me to reach this goal but THINGS,except family heorlooms can be replaced my sanity cannot. Support is very needed when intwined in this type of abuse syndrome and i thank you for being that for me, all of you.
Great advice and Ah Ha moments for me. Light and love, Caylin. I am also the wounded healer so i must come first in the healing process and learn not to stuff those blazing red flags that keep blinding me. Blessings to you all. I too am always so pleased to see her email in my inbox. Some of his behaviour has been very bizarre. They are all devastated and very stressed. He had sole tenancy of our council house which he mutually exchanged without my knowledge and threw our daughter out with 2 days notice.
This was our family home for 21 years! He stripped the house of everything including my personal items,all because he didnt want to live in the house but did not want me to live there either. He has lied to everyone including the autorities and seems to have got away with it all. He is being obstructive, manipulative and lying with the divorce proceedings and is out to destroy me.
I have been praying for justice for the whole situation and that the truth will be revealed. He has told his family and friends lies about me to make himself the victim even though they have known me for 39 years. He has always been a jekyll and hyde character with a terrible temper, but i didnt realise how vile and nasty he would become overnight, almost evil but everyone in his family and his work colleagues see a totally different person, a charmer and polite man because he cannot look less than perfect to anyone else.
Our four children have grown up seeing me being physically, emotionally and verbally abused by their dad and so have other friends, and yet his family still choose to believe his lies because he is just so convincing. That is what worries me about going to court because so far everyone is believing him!! I have had No Contact for 3 months but he doesnt want anything to do with us now he has found someone else to give him all the attention he needs.
At times I still wonder what he is doing and whether he will be happy with this new person. God bless you all and I pray we all come through this awful experience stronger, happier and with peace in our lives. Keep up the amazing work Melanie because you are making a difference to many many people. Hi Mel, and can not thank you enough, your information is amazing, and when I think I cant work something out, I go to your info and always find just exactly what I need.
You are pretty good, you know!!! It has been very hard to understand the journey I am on my relationship has been over 25 years and I only just woke up this April, still trying to get over the stupid blindness, still healing, But I feel that if I concentrate my energy into healing that other things will fall into place, as I have been experiencing so far. And this is why this is the ONLY real work we need to do! I have to put my own story across at this point. I was married to two nice men before I met and married the narcissist. My father was good to me.
I never witnessed physical abuse before. Only heard about it. The narcissist mentally, emotionally and physically abused me. I simply believe that the narcissist was a con in every sense of the word. I will never be conned again…….. I am currently going through financial settlement which will put this horrible experience to rest once and for all. It was not my past experiences which led me to the place I am today.
It was simply because I was conned by the master of masters.
Melanie Tonia Evans
One can be simply emotionally naive to these things. Doesnt necessarily mean one has childhood issues. Does anyone have any advice please. If I left town would be financially impossible. He gives me no access to cash and only lets me charge a small amount for food each month and then rages that I have devastated him financially d has spread that rumor all over town and many believe him. Hi Donna, I tend to gree with you. I have always been an independent and strong person. I joke now with my freinds that I am so relieved he did not take me scuba diving on our honeymoon! Actually after we married I changed my will in favor of my children only, for some reason although I loved him and wanted a life with him i did not fully trust him or feel safe with him.
I think I was just a sucker for a handsome man who said all the right things! I like your sense of humor with the scuba gear… Although a very sad story. Yes I was just a sucker for a handsome charming man. Charm being the operative word. People often say to me when they hear my story that he must have been good in bed…the power of the penis…..
These people are cons.. People who have never seen abuse. People who believe there is good somewhere in everybody. I now know that there are many personalities out there and I am very wary. You see narcs do not pass those sort of tests, they do not remain consistent without conquering for extended period of time. Decent non-narc men are very happy to court, step up and prove their integrity and keep standing up to value a women who values herself and knows how to take her time.
I couldnt hack it with him by 6mths. He was a facade, illusion pretending to give me what i wanted but he couldnt hide behind his mask for very long, his dark side was coming out 1 wk into the rship. We didnt have much contact after he left. He did leave some of his things here, incase I asked for him back, which i didnt. I am also wary of going out, dating again. Yes empathy was a big thing. There was tragedy upon tragedy , he took me on occaisions to visit the grave of his deceased baby who died 27 years ago.
If we had an argument he would bring that tragedy up. Pull on my sympathy strings with stories about his ambulance days , and how his ex wife treats him badly etc etc and how depressed he was how stressed he was! The doctors thought I had cancer and I was undergoing tests ,I concealed my diagnosis from him because I thought it would be too much for him to cope with!!!
Since I have left him my symptoms have miraculously healed!! So yep , I think his modus operandam was empathy. And what normal woman would not get drawn in by that? I am proud to call myself warm,loving ,nurturing type of person. I would not want to change that because of this experience. I married my N in January and left him 5 weeks ago.
I had no idea what was going on as before getting married he was mostly loving and charming. However after the wedding it was a different story. What has really helped me during this time is maintaining no contact- email only to discuss our separation. Another thing which has helped is taking all of the emotion out of any contact I have had with him. This makes him so mad as he is now powerless in pushing my buttons.
Writing a list of all of the times he has abused my trust, hurt me etc. Fantastic that you are taking responsibility to no longer make him responsible for your pain and for empowering yourself. Hi tracey Johnson, I would like to comment on your blog, it seems that you have been working hard at healing. Its only you and it will always be only you. If you believe in past lives, unless you get it in this life time, you are going to come back and do it all over again. Please commit to getting it. You need to love yourself and everything about you, all your likes dislikes, how you do things, how you dont do things, the entire you without any exceptions.
I am working through it and began to feel so much better from day one. I feel completely committed to my own recovery from this abuse and so motivated to continue because the results are truly astonishing! Melanie I thank you with all my heart for saving my sanity and quite possibly my life. Love and hugs to you and to all of you who are sharing this extraordinary journey of enlightenment.
You will get there!! I woke up this morning clearheaded, relaxed, content.
Stop Explaining to the Narcissist! Do This Instead
I suddenly realized what was missing! The anxiety, the panic just below the surface or erupting into a full blown paralyzingly attack. The ruminative obsessive circular thinking. The heart palpitations, knotted muscles, the shakiness of being on adrenaline overload for decades. The constant sense of overload. For the whole night!!! So this is how normal folks feel when they wake! I have hit in the ballpark of normal.
Thought this would never happen. My story is just like the rest- it is a pattern and recognizing it was a gestalt of healing. Once the illusion was ripped away and I saw who he really was — all thise decades of things not quite making sense suddenly became clear — and he made my skin crawl so I had no temptation to reconnect- a gift. Divorce was 3 YEARS of hell- he left for a new source of supply yet tried to hang onto me as backup supply. Having to deal with his vicious lying crazy in court and through our kids — pure hell.
Almost killed me — literally. I am working and enjoying it. Cleaned up most of the enormous mess he dumped on me. Social life- only with safe longtime friends. New people still scary. Dating- have no interest and too much leftover anger to even try. Afraid of the lows so avoiding any highs. Think this too is a stage of recovery. But so much better. My advice- learn all you can about the syndrome. You were lied too, gaslighted, trained to doubt your own instincts. NC is very healing. Seeing him in court set me back every time- he knew it and dragged me there, found every excuse to force contact.
It is great that you have made so much progress and have been able to identify very clearly what was going on so that you could extract yourself. Do know that there is another level of liberation — and that is the knowing of love, the knowing of expansion and self without fear — so that you can TRULY manifest and create in your life the real deal of authenticity, support, truth and genuine love. This may take some inner work…this is not to DO with learning about narcissists, this is to do with learning about ourselves.
Hi Lee, Thank you for sharing your story! I am experiencing the same thing! I am in the progress of divorcing my husband of 25 years. For the past two going on three years he has done his level best to punish, guilt, and abuse me.
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He, meanwhile, has gotten engaged and become a deacon in his church and loves spouting scripture to me because he thinks that I am some sort of evil that needs to be saved. The sad reality is that he is the one that needs to be saved. I have suffered all his abuse and taken it because I believed that he was right. Deep down though, I could not understand how he was right; my inner self could not accept this.
So, I have been having a great deal of conflict within myself. Now I am realizing that my inner self was correct and now I have to trust that inner self. I convinced myself that I had to trust him with my soul because that is what a good wife does. However, that is not true. I always wondered why I felt so bad in our marriage; I always thought that I lost myself. I am still having a hard time with the fact that I am losing my marriage, but I need to remind myself that I am gaining my true self back! I was so happy before him, I can be happy without him.
This will take time. Thanks again for sharing your story. I am glad that I could share mine as well. It is an investment which is far more important than anything when trying to recover your soul. The programme with give you strength and empower you to be able to make decisions rationally. It is in side bar on this page. You will feel empowered not fear. I also took your advice and had a kinesiology session. I am so happy that the old emotional charges that led me to make choices that only hurt me are down to practically nothing.
Everything you mention in this article has been true for me. I had been powerfully addicted and stuck in the victim role and thought there was no way out. I had been avoiding doing this work on self my whole life and as you say, it just gets easier and easier. You will find as your work through NARP and dissolving all the specific hooks in each MP3 healing that all of the emotional pain and charges will just get less and less and then no more.
I had been with my Narcissist for 16 years, 10 years of which married. I had no idea why he was the way that he still is. He will never change as he thinks it is me that is mentally unstable not him. I have put up with the other women long enough. Although he tells me there is nothing in it just friendship.
And attention that i cannot give all the time due to the family. Thankfully, due to an error of judgement on his part! Although we still lived in the same house until April when the house was sold and we bought our respective new ones. I had to be strong for the sake of our 5 year old daughter and our unborn son. These are what kept me going. No matter what he tried to do or say i ignored it as much as possible but sometimes had to pamper him to keep the peace.
It was very difficult but because i knew that one day i could escape i kept the facade. I want them to know what true love really is. My parents have played a big part in this as they never let me go! No matter what he tried to do they held on to save us. I will be forever grateful to them as without my strong mother i may never have escaped.
I only found out recently that there was a name for him and his behaviour. A friend of a friend has gone through the same thing and she told me to look it up. That is when i found your website Melanie. Thank you so much. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am happy and smile a lot now. I am stronger everyday. Although, now i am going through Divorce proceedings which will be tough because of the lies that he will tell to get what he wants.
It is wonderful that you have seen the truth and you are taking responsibility for healing your life and empowering yourself by working on healing your insecurities. I blocked him from phone, etc. I told him I felt abused because I was I feel like a pathetic loser.. Something just told me no more. And it is sometimes desperately hard to keep up no contact.
Hi D If you feel the need to write a card, then write one. Write it and pour your feelings out,then burn it or rip it into tiny pieces and trash it. Offer those words to the universe. Have a good cry and you will feel better! Hi D, I suggest you email Melanie directly as she is the one to advise you-no one else, as she has the experience, hence her website. I guess I could try again.. Please when you do keep your email as concise as you can.
I receive hundreds every day and if they are too long it is impossible for me to have the time to decipher through them and reply. Ended it for like the 15th time. I too felt like if only he would give me one tiny caring gesture — a thank you card, a lunch, a flower, stopping by my work to say hello — anything that it would be worth continuing But no matter how bad our fights and even when he ACTED as if he understood what I was asking for and even when I thought certain THIS fight would compel him to finally feel some sense of remorse for me and trigger him to apologize or give me a card or bring me a cookie on his way to work ANYTHING — it never happened.
Friday we had a day long text talk with me telling him the kind of communication I needed from him and him of course feigning acting like a normal person just to keep me in play. As he had described to me in the past. After all he is SOOOOO busy — how could I possibly expect him to respond to me immediately and by immediatley, he meant within the same day. See he is the busiest most important man on the planet. I even made a list of all the things I did for him in the course of two years and then made a list of what he had done for me which was BLANK. He had not written me a note, a thank you card, bought me lunch or even a soda, or helped me in any way whatsoever.
I thought maybe seeing the visual might awaken him but no. Anyway I ended it again yesterday and what I feel today is a sense of what a sheer waste of investment the last 2 years were. I worked SO hard on this person who seemed shy and damaged and I thought if I showed him enough love and caring he would open up and become a decent person.
I wanted to rescue him. I wanted to be the one he viewed as special — the one who showed him real love and healed him. He of course had to get the last dig in and make it seem like it was HIS choice to end this. He knew how to attack my character and hurt me with his judgements on me. I fell prey to every tactic and got sucked back in even as recently as this passed friday.
As of this moment I consider it over. At least unless he contacts me again with yet another tactic that I fall prey to. I am trying to stay resolved and make this final. The text issue was a pet peeve of mine. He raged like crazy at me saying how busy he was blah blah ya get an hr lunch but whatever. So…this is what I did.. I asked him to plz not contact me.. That it would crush me, whatever he said.
There were a few times I knew he loved me. But it was the only way since I still cared for him. The ONLY thing that keeps me from contacting him is the fact of my letter telling him not to. But he waited a few wks for me to crumple which i almost did. I wish u LOTS of luck. Let me know how it goes for you!! Mine was a flirt and sex addict as well. Looking for the next boost for his ego! I sooooooooo relate to you. Lord help us all.
How To Leave A Narcissist + Coping Mechanisms To Move Forward
Think this is Kim R, the narcissistic man I dated for 3 horrible yrs…. D, your story is a mirror to mine.. Have you lost those feelings of missing him? My N asked me to marry him after 3 months.. Then got back together. I have been kicked out of his house every month for the past year, and my furniture has been moved in and out idk how many times. He knows that I will eventually every time. But what he promises is all lies. He is a cop, and ex marine so always said my life would never compare to his. He was verbally abusive.. My health has gone downhill..
Melanie, thank you for your very precise response to my post. Everything I have learned from you has resonated and helped me let go of baggage.
Yes I have work to do on finding my true self, and eventually love. The N abuse combined with Tuberculosis and a dump truck full of other life crises have me worn out. I am not done, just taking a breather. Want to be sure I can maintain this new calm center before I push through the next wall. Or are you saying I can keep plunging ahead, use the momentum? Hi to everyone, Something I have mentioned just now on other articles is regarding Pets.
They sense pain and stress inside us as well getting the abuse head on with the crazy Narcs. Animals are highly sensitive to trauma. It was before finding Mel and QF. Has anyone been able to heal and find comfort and strength where you were able to be around your Ex-Narc on a social basis?? My problem is I feel I am stuck at a stage earlier than i need to be for all this to be effective for me.
Neuroscience and Relationships
I believe that if i had to leave i would do so. However he has to leave. I asked him to do so two weeks ago. I got a nasty email then a heartfelt email followed by a long long talk after which we agreed to continue trying and go to couples counseling. I have been looking for someone to counsel us. He admitted to jealousy intense over my kids not his kids — he has none and took responsibility over much of what has transpired over the past year, which has been horrific for me emotionally. Just last night, he started in saying the same things he said about my kids before i asked him to go.
He called me on it then basically reverted to the same negative characterization of my kids. I could go on because it was so distressing to me but basically, i realized that nothing has changed. I really thought it had by his admissions. I cannot seem to end the relationship. I am stuck there. I need help with getting to an emotional state to end things but i need to do it with him present because i have not been able to separate physically, even knowing how bad this is for my kids even tho they are unaware of what he says about them.
Not sure if that makes sense at all. How do i get more emotionally healthy so that i can follow through asking him to leave is where i am stuck i think. One year ago he bought a house at km were we used to live. I suffer from depression living here and feeling isolated. I would like to leave him. I find it very hard to trust them. One of them is in law school and has great knowledge. I wander if it would be wise to trust this person to ask advice concerning my divorce.
This person will be leaving in January for 6 months to study overseas and I thought of asking him if I could rent his chamber for that period. I used to have feelings for him and told him so a month ago. But what I want is to live on my own since I realize I have to work on my vibration before entering a new relationship.
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Thanks for any advice. I wish strength to all of you recovering from narc abuse and thank you Melanie for your great work. Dear Melanie, I have only discovered your site two days ago. I have been with a narcissist for the past four years, however I am aware that my father is a severe narcissist and always has been. What strikes me is the childhood beliefs or dialectics that we as the partner have are actually pure rocket fuel for the N partner.
Every relationship therapy book i have ever read will not help me with this, and yet you have nailed it. There is no right way to approach the N, no mindful time or mood to acquire before you approach them with your needs. I have removed him from my home by force, the police were excellent, as he was threatening me to swallow many tablets to abort our child or I was to let him stay in my home and emotionally abuse me i.
I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on my situation as i am quite lost and torn between what i know i deserve and what i know is real. Any feedback would be very much appreciated. Also should note that i am doing really well without him in the home, no more tears everyday and feeling less and less lethargy from constantly walking on eggshells. Much love and compassion to all, Rose. Hello everyone, Yes there are a few of us about trying to deal and heal from this carnage. I am so grateful to have found this site and Melanie.
People who really understand. I left my husband after 9 months of marriage and even after that short time 4 years in all my life has been fraught with pain and great confusion. I am healing, doing the hard work however there was one consequence of leaving that I did not consider. How viscous he would be. He has gone to all of the people that I loved and trusted and has completely shredded my reputation, my soul, my very being. He is a very clever man and believable and knows that the love for my friends and family is the most important thing to me.
I now have to start afresh, finding new friends and fortunately the world is full of wonderous people. It has been extremely painful and difficult feeling ostracised. I married the wrong person and I most definitely left the wrong person. Please be careful and be aware that this might happen if you are planning to leave. He ranted for many years about his ex wife being a paranoid, delusional, whack job now its my turn and I have a feeling that he will be relentless and go on for many years to come. Otherwise you may end up with no one who either supports or believes you.
Ostracism is a wicked and cruel thing to feel. My love and sympathies go out to all of you who are dealing with or picking up the pieces. Please try to not feel so alone and draw strength in the understanding that there are people who GET IT. It was the most difficult thing I ever imagined I would have to do. I put myself through a series of narcissistic relationships after I was in a car accident in which I sustained a severe brain injury. After being stalked and harassed by N1 Narc 1 , I allowed him to become my friend.
One night while riding in the car as a passenger, he asked if I would be his girlfriend. I told him, point blank, that I was not interested in being his girlfriend. The crash, of which I have no memory, happened after that moment. I was airlifted to the emergency room, comatose. I woke up after three days with no memory of anything. N1 started making his advances after that while I was not fully cognizant. I remember this only because I wrote it down. I had serious problems communicating with others, but I could write and take notes of things that happened. I showed them to no one, because I simply felt alone, even though friends and family surrounded me.
I was terrified and frightened. As I started becoming more aware my brain healing , the insanity started. I would have panic attacks and N1 would punch me in the stomach for crying. I totally thought it was my fault. I spent thousands of dollars buying gifts for this man I felt so sorry for.
He felt guilty for nearly killing me, but I felt guilty for merely existing for him to nearly kill. He was brilliant, twisted and terrifying at the same time. At one point when I tried to leave, he had set fire to one of my project cars at my house I was a mechanic at the time so I had several projects , but I could do nothing about it. I felt so sorry for him and was afraid to report anything. The police investigation was weak and turned up nothing. To make a long story short, that relationship almost ended after he tried to stage an attack on me and his parents.
I had made arrangements with N1 to take the last of my things away I was leaving him. When I showed up he pretended to be nice — then he snatched and broke my cell phone, yanked me by my hair and pulled me into the house and locked the doors. He had cut off the land lines to the house, so he had premeditated this whole thing. He had a huge mallet in his hands and told me he was going to kill all of us and my animals which were at my house. He started destroying things around the house in front of us, then for some reason ran out of the house to destroy my car.
He smashed every window in my car as well as every panel fenders, doors, trunk, hood, etc. He almost ran over a cop. He was charged with Domestic Violence and a felony for nearly killing a cop, and a No Contact order was put in place to protect me. Here is where the story gets sick. I blamed myself for the whole thing. Something in my head was really stuck. It took 2 years for my brain to heal but by this point, my healing brain had improperly healed. They cannot give you what is not inside them to give. These patterns are toxic for men and women alike, and make it impossible to form anything but dysfunctional marriages and families in which children are traumatized, and the legacy of maintaining harsh hierarchical social norms at all costs prevails and is passed down from one generation to another.
When you live your best life, it also helps others around you to rise to become ever better versions of themselves. And living your best life after experiencing an addictive relationship with a narcissist means unlearning the dehumanizing norms and thought control patterns he instilled in your mind. Once you see their tactics, and know what you need to do to protect your mind and heart — they have no power over you that you do not allow — amazingly! A narcissistic psychopath loves to hate and be hated.
Their goal is to prove that everyone is narcissistic hater of others, aggressively competing to get-others-before-they-get-you. That is not living! Passing thoughts, feelings of hatred, are normal; lingering there is the problem. Learn to feel difficult feelings, then shift to optimal ones. Seek professional help, if needed. This formula allows you to transform the fears and pain of past traumas into positive, optimal actions — in ways that protect your mind and heart, brain and body, from the toxic effects of hatred, rage, scorn, and the like. In sum, there are good reasons to leave a narcissist, at least emotionally.
You do so because there are certain elements that are critical to your health and growth: Relationship consultant, author, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Athena Staik shows clients how to break free of anxiety, addictions, and other emotional blocks, to awaken radiantly healthy lives and relationships. Staik for information, an appointment or workshop, visit www. Or via RSS Feed. Find help or get online counseling now.
Neuroscience and Relationships About the Blog Archives. By Athena Staik, Ph. It starts in the mind, your mind. A narcissistic psychopath attacks both personal and universal truths about human love. There are at least 5 good reasons to leave a relationship with a narcissist: A slavery mindset is not normal behavior! Feel gratitude for coming out of the fog. Retrieved on December 16, , from https: Hot Topics Today 1.
The Narcissist and the Holidays: Lucky, I identify with all of the above, spread over four narcissistic relationships: