The other situation is if you really screwed up and hurt her in some way. In this case she may still love you but does not want to give you that power by admitting it while she is still angry at you. In this case if you make amends in respectful, non-imposing ways, then you might find that she is willing to forgive you and take you back, or perhaps not.
Remember, no matter what the situation, the choice is ultimately up to her, and if you want an honest chance at "rekindling" the relationship, then make it clear as honestly as you can that you respect her choice, and that you will make an honest attempt to understand her point of view and not fall into blaming victim behavior, because as cathartic as that might feel, in my experience either you played a part in her leaving, or her reasons ought to inspire compassion and patience rather than scorn.
If neither of these responses are appropriate then you are better off washing your hands completely if you cannot endure the terms or have the patience to persevere because then you will only open up old wounds. Remember, respect compassion humility and understanding are the foundation towards starting or rekindling any relationship.
Maybe she spoke these words in a fit of desparation, confusion, or out of frustration.. Or when I feel I am just delegated on the sideline.. I think it goes 2 ways simultaneously. You need to look at it like the old" which came first the chicken or the egg"? But it really comes from is the decline in communication and sitting down and having those close talks you used to have when things were really good. When your mindset was a little more insecure in a healthy way and consciously did everything to secure your love and relationship because you didnt want to lose it.
Here is where the importance of communicating comes to play It goes back and forth between each other.. Like 2 souls interweaving their pattern through life together. Perhaps it is the stronger one at the time Now things start to get really convoluted becuase the week one Now Strong feels isolated and confused and pushed away. And if you love a person that wants to avoid conflict, they will start to find reasons to not want to confront or be with you in fear of the newly negative patterns ]causing even MORE negative. Communication,talking to your other when you are feeling that this is what need from you right now, under lifes circumstances at that particular time, is the one main ingredient to a happy content and truly fulfilling life together.
I agree with your assessment. Nothing in relationships is definitive; no one can be assigned specific behavioral patterns or outcomes when it comes to relationships, although there are some "givens"; amen, brother. I agree with your assessment Sam owens. Way too much stress and life has passed under our bridge and I can assure you that there is no fixing it.
Thanks for that post It made me understand a whole lot better I've never heard or known that before it existed and when I heard it, I felt like my heart was struck fiercely that I died instantly. I could literally felt my heart stop from beating and the world stop evolving on me. I never noticed that tears running down my cheeks already. I wanted to believe that he only said it because he was really mad at me, but was that really enough reason to justify his words?
I don't know, I really don't know till now. All, I know is that in some ways I was glad he said it rather than heard later when we are married already. I know your post was a long time ago however I am going through a similar situation! He just with you out of convenience. All of you have it wrong. There's absolutely nothing wrong with those words, and if anything, it's being honest and truthful rather than fake or lying. It's completely normal to not be in love after a few years of bliss. Your marriage then stays intact through the love and friendship. But here I'm reading that everyone here is going crazy and bonkers over those words, as if they were fightin words.
Most cultures don't even depend on being in love to marry, they marry for compatibility. Only western culture uses being in love as a measure of a relationship and that's just stupid and if you disagree, just look at western country's world leading divorce rates. Marriage is about a commitment to living someone and having a loving friendship, not about being in love. Look at arranged marriages, they have the highest marriage success rates of all, far more successful than western marriages. Do you really think arranged marriages are two people "in love"? Do you really think they are ever "in love"?
No, but they do build love over time. And they are generally happier than western marriages. It's because western culture's notion of having to be in love is unrealistic and can't be maintained, so they divorce. Being in love and loving someone are two different things. Cultures with very low divorce rates don't need to be in love and they are right.
Marriage is about a friendship and a commitment to love someone , not to "be in love". Being in love is too much to expect since experts all confirm that that feeling goes away after a few years. Here are expert comments about this silly notion of having to be in love in order to marry or happily stay married.
I had initially linked these quotes below but it triggered the spam filter so I was forced to unlink the sources. Love is not something that used to factor into marriages; it's a relatively modern concept. You might say we're spoiled by even expecting it, and that it's entirely unrelated to a social "institution" that was really about property and taxes and making sure you had enough kids to work the farm or protect the homestead way back when—not to mention one of the only socially acceptable ways for women to have sex.
It turns out that love is a very fragile notion upon which to base a very important and complicated institution. I think most people throughout history would look at the way we choose our marriages today and just think, my God, these people took huge risks. They risk their future, financial stability, property and their heirs on something as fragile and delicate as romantic affection.
It's not that that necessarily means that I advocate a return to arranged marriage, it just helps put in perspective why contemporary western marital arrangements can become so chaotic.vitektrans.com/includes/map2.php
If It's Conditional, It's Not Love
Everyone wants a magic relationship that feels different and special. Ordinary relationships, apparently, are for undesirable people and previous eras. Unfortunately, in the real world, these magic relationships are about as stable as some atomic particles, disappearing faster than they can be measured. Sorry I dont wanna be rude but your comments more like a "whining" or something lol I never thought men could really talk a lot and they always say women are naggers I will read more of your comments Steve and ponder on it when m not too busy with work I am feeling better now I dont need a man to be happy but ofcourse if I have to consider lusting a man and go to bed with him definitely be looking for a man as of the moment, I dont think that would be even an option to consider.
The ones who leave are the ones taken in by our society's pervasive, mythical love and sex as portrayed in movies, books, magazines, TV shows. They are the ones who believe that because in most cases they're lusting after someone else or craving someone else's lifestyle, it's perfectly acceptable and reasonable to just walk out the door because they have a need for immediate self-gratification.
They're not "happy" and our society also teaches that one's happiness they read that as everlasting passionate love and sex is of the utmost importance so they feel they can chuck everything and have another go at it with someone else. They often go for the immediate short-term "happiness" i. Not the kind created by a longterm loving, caring relationship, but the kind that gives them a temporary thrill. They rationalize their behavior by saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and therefore, in their minds, free themselves from their commitments and can then pursue their personal desires, creating a wake of devastation behind.
The gloss will eventually wear off that new relationship too. Maybe your theory on arranged marriages holds some truth, and maybe not. There undoubtedly are plenty of miserable arranged marriages. It may appeal to you but not to me. Yes this statement was made to me to just so my husband could justify an affair he had just begun with a younger woman. So I agree with your perspective that these words may be uttered as a way to rationalize another's desire to try something different. It is now 6 months latter and my husband is over that relationship so he says and says he still loves me.
So one must be careful with the interpretation of this statement. As far as it made me feel, yes devasted and that the rug had been pulled out from under my feet as well as my 3 children. This times one million! In a marriage it means "I'm too immature to realize what love is in a long term marriage". OR it means I've already found someone else and I'm deflecting the blame for my cheating to love. It's too much for poor little old me to fight! It's just an excuse. If you truly love someone you try again.
Otherwise just break up! Everything you just said was in my world and is a complete match to my thinking.
Mine, Not Hers
You just put my thoughts down on paper perfectly! Those words were spoken to me after 22 years. My first marriage and her second.. The new car smells good in the beginning but to keep that older car takes some work and shes just not willing to perform the maintenance. To sad for sure. Good riddance to my wife.. The expectations she seeks were already in her lap.
Truly terrible the way people are willing to be selfish enough to end a family like that. This is her second time. I blame my self for not seeing it 22 years ago. But I did two great step kids out of the deal and was blessed with two of my own beautiful children from her. So, carrying on at 50 years old and not looking back but forward! Are you for real or are you just trying to stir up controversy?
We all know that love after years of marriage is not going to feel the same as when we were first in that relationship and we do not object to that. What we object to is our spouse using those words to excuse cheating, lying, abandonment and whatever else they are doing. It is obvious that you did not seriously read the posts; your answer is not even relevant to the subject being discussed. Steve, I am really sorry but yes some of it, I did not read. For me it is too much of a whining.
I don't believe most of what you said. You are free to say whatever you wanna say and so am I. If, I got you offended in some ways then I am sorry for that. As to your question, yes I am for real. Your post was rather a lil late for me to contemplate, I mean when I wrote my post, I was definitely heart broken. As of the moment, I am really ok but I have to admit the pain is still there but not as much as when I posted my comment. Life is too short to live with that painful comment that my boyfriend so coldly thrown at me. If he is not in love with me anymore then that is not my problem that is his business to deal.
I am moving on and would definitely intend to live my life the way I want it to be. Falling in love is so easy. All it takes is to appreciate the silly little things like a twinkle in her eyes, a cute sneeze, and soon you will find yourself thinking her fart in a crowded room is brilliant. It doesn't take much. It didn't take much when you first met, so why not build on what you both already have, bask in the sunshine of the great past and loving each other, and making the magic happen.
Falling in love again isn't the challenge. The challenge is to remember to keep doing it. Even if it has been years since you were in love, remember that flicker in the eye ;-. Steve I completely agree, looking at responses it seems many people don't want to hear it - which proves how pervasive this 'romance' thing is in our culture. Doesn't sound whiny to me at all. Sounds like someone who's objectively commenting after living life. Steve, I'm not sure why everyone is bashing what you've said I think it is definitely the wisest statement on the page.
Overtime in love does change and it is about companionship and commitment. The fire dies out and the love becomes more of a bonding love you'd have for a family member. Steve is not saying those words are to be used as an excuse, but they are used as an excuse or a way out of the relationship. I think people who use this statement expect that love to go on forever, or are simply too immature to realize that the fire will always die out.
But after, there should be a bonding love. So here i am kinda new to this whole "i love you but were not inlove" thing. Im recently a female of this action the words were spoken to be by my childrens father and partner of 15 years. As i understand people grow and things change and ive read everyones comments and opinions on this matter, which sure some have helped me feel better about it and some still leave me questioning what does it mean how does one be strong enough to accept such words. Alot of what i see is people stateing that when the words happen the sexs stops, that is not the case for has or it hasnt been.
The sex has always been great and we both enjoy joy it. But what does it mean when one says "i love you but were not in love" were faimly and i want you to be best friends. Why is it much harder for women to be ok with such statements? I know that i need to be ok with it and accept it is what it is but how does one make it work? I want to simply say, "Thank you" for a very insightful, truthful, and contrarian opinion.
It has at the very least help bring me some semblance of peace. I totally agree with you Steve!
That "honeymoon period" always ends at some point, and then couples are left wondering why they married in the first place. In my religion Judaism we make sure before dating that we are compatible in terms of beliefs, family backgrounds, life goals, etc. Only then do we agree to date and then it's just to see if there's mutual attraction and chemistry. If there is, then we tie the knot! The purpose of the marriage is to create a stable home to bring children into, and to support each other throughout life. It's almost like a business partnership. It sounds extreme when compared to modern day Western marriage, but it really works most of the time!
The love and mutual respect grows over time and there's never an expectation of having to feel "in love". It's a shame that Western culture especially Hollywood has perverted the idea of what marriage is supposed to be! I completely agree with some of your points, Steve.
There were cultural and religious motivations behind our union. I cringe when people say these things because I care deeply about my husband and love him very much. People have become obsessed with romance, a great sex life, and physical attributes. All the pornography and objectification in our present culture is hurting our motivations behind maintaining strong marriages. Have we stopped to ponder on what marriage really is? I am committed to my marriage.
I made sacred vows to him. I honor my contract to him. I make an effort to respect him. My kids greatly benefit. My children are happy and well adjusted. My parents never gave me that. I want my children to see marriage as a form of teamwork and a strong partnership. Thank you Roy for stating this so succinctly.
Although my spouse left me in a selfish and disrespectful manner jumped ship to another woman he hardly knew , I still feel the pain of the bond. Like you write, we all love our family members and loving someone can transcend the physical bond or honeymoon butterflies. My spouse walked out on the marriage 25 years and children and acts now as if we never existed. I just don't understand how there is so little devotion and makes me question if he ever felt any real love or if he was motivated only by the thrill of the initial pursuit.
I believe some people are empty inside and use people to try to fill that void. When the partner can't fill the emptiness, it turns to anger directed to family members. The "love" was there as long I had few needs and fulfilled his needs. I can see now that my spouse didn't see me as a person in my own right and not just a function of him.
If he was ignored due to a life crisis which took attention away, there was little there for him to stay bonded. I still grapple with how little the marriage meant to him - no give and take and real respect. I agree with this comment. I have read many pyschologist articles where a relationship is built like a triangle. All, even great loves, end up as friendships for a certain time and YES passion can come back into the relationship it just takes time and work to welcome it back. So the implied transalation from the gibberish would be: I'm attached to you but I'm not in lust with you.
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These were great leading characters. I thought Jason to be a wonderful friend, lover, husband, provider, and father for his wife and family. The supporting characters made me love them as well — Colleen with her bouncy loudness, and Melanie with her easy-going personality. Do I recommend this book? Do I recommend this author? Betsy Anne and her book here, and keep on alert for more from this author. Apr 13, Kate Bigel rated it really liked it.
This is a really romantic and sexy book about Katie and Jason who meet in High School and marry. I really love a romance that focuses on the after part of a story - the marriage because it becomes a richer story that draws you in. If you like a contemporary hot sexy romance with a hint of a psychological thriller, this is a great read fun. And I love the friendship she has with her girlfriends. I would definitely read more books by this author in the future.
Enjoyed Jason and Katie's story. Mine, Not Hers first of all, stupid title! Katie and Jason met in high school in a moment of insta love, the way teenagers have a way of doing.
Katie was so insecure, though, that she couldn't for the life of her fathom the hottie liking her, so she spurned him every time he tried to talk to her. Finally, he got through to her, thanks to some help from her friend, Colleen, and they spent the rest of Mine, Not Hers first of all, stupid title! Finally, he got through to her, thanks to some help from her friend, Colleen, and they spent the rest of the year happily in love.
Then came college, grad school for Jason, then real life, where Jason opened up his sports medicine clinic and she stayed home with their kids. So far, so good. They're happily married, settled in a new gorgeous house, she's made friends with a neighbor. Then she starts having disturbing, erotic dreams of Jason with another woman. She and Jason continue to have lots and lots and lots of sex, but in the back of her mind, she knows something's wrong.
And when she sees a receipt in his office with a woman's writing on it, she knows Jason's keeping secrets from her. But, instead of being the mature adult she should be, and asking her husband if anything was wrong, she proceeded to sneak behind his back with the help of her new friend, Melanie the heroine in the next book , and Colleen, to try to figure out what's going on and who the woman could possibly be. Mine, Not Hers was frustrating. It had the potential to be a really good story about a marriage in trouble.
But, it didn't live up to the potential. Katie was annoying and ridiculous, although sweet, and if it weren't for the fact that Jason could win sweetest husband of the year award, I would probably 2 or 1 star this. All this ended up being was a kind of boring tale with too much sex and not enough communicating, and an annoying woman who I wanted to smack a few times. Aug 17, Tanya rated it liked it. The writing was ok but I found it hard to connect with any of the characters. Honestly they were acting like hs kids.
A bit too far fetched too. Feb 05, Dtalks rated it really liked it Shelves: Ok, I was not expecting that!
See a Problem?
At times the story moved to slowly, but it didn't drag the whole time. Happy it was a complete book and didn't end on a cliffhanger. A few things about the heroine annoyed me like she never mentioned the bar incident I thought the whole High School sweethearts thing would annoy me, but it was sweet. Not so easy miscommunications. Good guys still in love, psycho institutionalized. Why doesn't life always end up so right? Jun 28, Denise added it.
Love, true love conquers. Psycho gets what she deserves. We learn that we should be more open and honest even if we think our actions are done to protect someone. All in all, a fun quick read. Terri Lynn rated it liked it Dec 18, T Counce rated it liked it Mar 17, Stephenie rated it it was amazing Mar 08, Nicole rated it it was ok May 26, Thuan rated it it was ok May 05, Belletab rated it did not like it May 25, C Weston Frisby rated it liked it Aug 30, Binaya rated it liked it Jun 08, Chelsey Jones rated it it was ok May 13, Lisa Hopkins rated it really liked it Dec 17, Danette rated it did not like it Jul 26,